A message to someone

I can't wait to see you. I'm really upset right now and I don't know why. One of my usual character breakdowns I guess. Not crying or anything, but I feel like I could at any given second if I had any reason. I miss you. I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss my old life. I dunno, I've been having some awful dreams lately. Not really bad or direct, but just ones that remind me of my dad... stuff that just digs to the deepest part of my brain and emotions. I wake up sometimes and feel as if my dad is still alive and that I can tell him what I just heard in a dream, but then I wake up and realize he's not there and its that same realization I should have had the day he died but I didn't. It's the kind of dreams that make me wake up and forget that Oregon ever happened. Not that I regret it, but I regret the way I've treated everyone and the way I've been acting. I've been so selfish. Just thinking about whats going on here and establishing myself and trying to move on. But that's not how I'm gonna be able to do it. I'm going to accomplish my goals by sticking to the plan and sticking to what I want to do, not what other people want me to do.

It's just been hard. College has made me sort of just try and move on after everything that happened with my dad. I'm not over it and I act like I have been forever. I still hurt every day and I still have terrible memories of it all and at times I feel I still need help. I don't know. It's weak.

I wish I had all day to myself to focus on football and my family. No school. No having to worry about places to go or things I have to do. Maybe even no friends. I just don't know what I want. I feel like I need to lock myself down and just have it be me and you but it's not.

I love you and I'm gonna make it all up to you when I can heal again.